Bad New Years Resolutions

New Year's is fast approaching. It’s the start of a new decade, so this is supposed to be the year of positive change. But that’s too much pressure. Plus, most people give up on their resolutions within the first couple of months. And everyone gets tired of all the “New Year, New Me” posts. If they were going to change they would have changed by now. So here are eight bad New Year's resolutions you can actually keep.

1. Drink Less Water

Our bodies are 60% water, which means you should drink eight 8-ounce glasses or about half a gallon of water each day. But this a resolution that is hard to keep, an easier one is to drink less water this year. Drink water to start off your day? How about drinking a ton of coffee and energy drinks instead. Ordering water when you go out for lunch? Treat yourself to a nice cold soda or iced tea. For dinner, crack open a cold one with the boys, or a nice glass of wine for a more mellow night in. Coffee, juice, soda, alcohol, all of these beverages are better than water. So don’t waste your time drinking more of this bland beverage they call water. Loosen up and have a little fun.

2. Get Less Sleep

They say most healthy adults need 7 to 9 hours of sleep. But sleep is a luxury, not a need. The less you sleep, the more you can get done in a day. Study for finals or do a homework assignment that you waited until the last minute to do. If you have young children running around, you need extra time after they finally fall asleep to unwind, relax, and prepare for tomorrow. Or maybe you just need to watch one more episode of The Office or other show of your choice. You won’t be able to sleep in peace with the anticipation of wondering what happened next. The night is still young, you can sleep when you’re old.

3. Stop Talking on the Phone

Do people still talk on the phone? Do they physically pick up a cell phone, dial a number, and have a spoken conversation with someone on the other line? If you don’t, then congratulations, you’re already succeeding in this New Year's resolution. If you do, I would ask you to reconsider. Most of the phone calls coming into your phone anyways seem to be spam. You wouldn’t want to waste your precious time by talking to those lame losers anyways. But what about if you use your phone to talk to your mom or grandma or another loved one? Honestly, grandma needs to learn how to text. They’re always calling you in the most inconvenient times anyways. Tell them to leave a voicemail that you won’t ever listen to.

4. Eat More Fast Food

Cooking can be such a waste of time! You have to go to the grocery store beforehand to buy all these ingredients to cook with. By the way, fruits and vegetables can be very expensive. Plus, you start cooking when you’re hungry, but then the food takes so long to be ready. Therefore, you start snacking, but by the time the food is done you’re not hungry anymore. Or you actually confused the sugar with the salt. Or you burnt something again. Going out and buying something to eat that is quick, fast, and fulled with carbs is honestly the best thing to do. It tastes really good too and everyone in your family will thank you.

5. Exercise the Same Amount

During January, everyone gets this crazy mindset that they are going to exercise more. Which means gym membership subscriptions go way up. And if you do workout on a regular basis instead of just the beginning of the year, this can be annoying. The gym gets overcrowded with people who don’t know how to properly use the machines. It’s also embarrassing for the people who are clueless and staring at everyone else do their workouts to try to figure out what to do. Whatever amount of exercise you do, go ahead and do that. And if you don’t already go to the gym, don’t waste your money on a gym membership.

6. Talk to All of Your Exes

Have you ever been part of a bad breakup? Or is there an ex that you can’t particularly stand? Are you minding your own business and you get a random message or friend request from an ex months or years later after you two broke up? What would happen if you put the past behind you and become friends with your ex again? Maybe your current partner might not mind as much. Or maybe your ex has changed. You two breaking up might have been a mistake. Maybe, but also maybe not. But there is only one way to find out.

7. Go Into Debt

Sure, you can pay off your student loans. Pay off your car payment. Pay off your mortgage. Even save up some money for the future. But the true American way is to stay in debt forever. The more debt you get into the better. Buy the experiences you always wanted but could never afford. Go on that vacation that is out of your budget. Get lessons in skiing and surfing. Go sky diving. Buy all new sunglasses and the replacement lenses from Fuse. Live large. Go big. Enjoy life. Declare bankruptcy later.

8. Make More Enemies

Haters gonna hate. That’s a proven fact. And that is why you should live your life without considerations of others. Do what you want and say what is on your mind. You don’t have to be nice to your boss just because he pays you and has the ability to fire you. You don’t have to neighborly to your neighbor, they make a lot of noise late at night and early in the morning. Be that crazy driver who cuts people off and honks the horn excessively. This is your year, focus on yourself and be selfish. Everyone else pretty much doesn’t matter.

Discretion Advised

As stated in the title, these are all bad New Year's resolutions ideas. This is a sarcastic post and if you do want to practice any of these resolutions, do so at your own risk. Fuse Lenses does not hold itself responsible for anything that might happen based on these resolutions.